Bob Hope Jokes

Bob Hope is one of the world's most recognizable and beloved comedians. From his numerous radio and television shows to his shows with U.S. Troops around the world and much, much, more, Hope put a smile on the faces of all those in his presence. Read on to enjoy some laughs, courtesy of Bob Hope.

Audio: Listen to Bob Hope Jokes

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On Turning 70
"You still chase women, but only downhill".

On Turning 80
"That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing..."

On Turning 90
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."

On Turning 100
"I don't feel old. In fact I don't feel anything until noon then it's time for my nap."

On giving up his early career, boxing
"I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them."

On never winning an Oscar
"Welcome to the Academy Awards or, as it's called at my home, 'Passover'."

On golf
"Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

On Presidents
"I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six."

"I've always enjoyed playing golf with a President. The only problem is that there are so many Secret Service men around there's not much chance to cheat."

"Clinton had the best score, Ford the most errors, and Bush the most hits. Me, I cheated better than ever."

On Gerald Ford: "I've gotten a lot of mileage from my Jerry Ford jokes. So it's fun to introduce him at dinners with lines like "You all know Jerry Ford - one of my most prized possessions is the Purple Heart I received for all the golf I've played with him."

On Eisenhower: "By the time that Ike was elected President in 1952, his devotion to golf had become legendary. No administration ever had more sun-tanned Secret Service men."

On why he chose showbiz for his career
"When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, 'Congratulations, you have an eight-pound ham'."

On receiving the Congressional Gold Medal
"I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."

On his familys early poverty
"Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

On his six brothers
"That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

On his early failures
"I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

On going to heaven
"I've done benefits for ALL religions. I'd hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."